Tuesday May 13 10:14 PM
I've been getting a ton of hits from search engines from people asking for a steampunk tutorial. Since this is a fairly vague term, I've decided to create the most comprehensive tutorial known to man. Part 1 of the 'Design your life' series. Dedicated to HRH Queen Victoria. The New York Times recently published an article mentioning several luminaries in the nascent steampunk movement including Jake von Slatt and Abney Park. I think that this has increased awareness of this very important cultural phenomenon, and I will attempt to do my part to help you poor lost souls looking for guidance in these confusing times.

Let me begin by saying that steampunk is more than just antiques, though actual period items help. It is more about how those period items are used, and whether they have any gears on them or not. It is brass, wood, leather, and velvet working together to produce a vision of a Victorian future without plastics. It is mechanical rather than electrical; coal rather than nuclear; and above all goggles. Let's get started designing your new steampunk persona.

First, acquire eyewear such as goggles. Goggles may include anything from aviator goggles to motorcycle goggles. Spectacles may replace goggles as an accessory, but they should probably have more than two lenses, or alternatively one lense. Bonus points for gears. You may purchase this most required necessity at many fine establishments, or create your own from toilet paper tubes.

Next, you need a chapeau. For those of you unfamiliar with continental languages, that's headgear. You may opt for a leather aviator's helmet, a fine top hat, derby, or riding hat. Women may consider a large, wide-brimmed hat to keep the sun off of your delicate temperament. If you do not have a delicate temperament, strongly consider developing one. Otherwise, dressing in drag is always an option.

Clothing styles vary dramatically but may include tails, corsets, jodhpurs, hoop skirts, petticoats, and cloaks. Remember, layers are important. And no Kevlar or Gore-Tex. Well, OK, but only if you can find Kevlar coattails.

Shoes are left to your discretion, but the more buckles the better. No Velcro, but zippers are acceptable if no other options are available. Bonus points for spurs.

Now that you are properly attired, your environment should reflect your new outlook. Steamer trunks, pocketwatches, a velocipede, and any experiments you're doing in bio-aetheric feedback devices should surround your work and home. If you have an actual working steam engine, don't hesitate to hook it up and power your Brazil-style computer complete with typewriter keyboard.

To top it all off, give yourself a complicated and possibly unpronounceable name and make people use it in your presence. Perhaps a sword cane will help with that.